I sit head down, as if bowed in prayer, (Lord knows I should have said a prayer today) and I furiously and gently, swipe and tap away at my phone screen(thank goodness I upgraded to an iPhone 6+, it makes this so much easier).
Summer vacation started 2 weeks ago.
My 2 oldest kids, Madi & Jake are taking summer school this year. It's a nice 3 hour class a day, for 2 weeks a month. My toddler is attached at my hip, as if we never cut the cord at my delivery, seriously though.
Today was one of those days. One of the days where you want to scream at the top of your lungs and rip your hair out of your head. Rather, shave it all off like Britney Spears in her circa 2007 breakdown. I completely understand Brit, I feel you girl!
It didn't begin too terribly. I woke up on time, (by on time, I mean ungodly early. My 5 year old wakes up early and turns on every light in the house and makes sure he opens up my bedroom door, to make sure he wakes my sleeping toddler, who room shares with me) so I'm up at 6:45. My toddlers smiling face is staring at me, he says hi, with his crazy adorable hair, looking all bed head. I roll out of bed and head to my bathroom, my toddlers smile, quickly starts turning into a whine. He's hungry and by golly, he knows it's my job to feed him!
I just really need to pee first son, no offense.
My 5 year old busts in the room and is cheery and light displaying dark drawn in eyebrows and a painted on mustache and goatee. Lovely Jake, go get a wipey and clean your face, ok thanks. Ugh. "What did he get into now?"
I'm making breakfast and my daughter storms out of the bathroom and announces that Jake has spilled, a MILLION dollars worth of my Bare Minerals Foundation Powder, into an over flowing bathroom sink.
Great. Doesn't he know that stuffs expensive?? Doesn't he realize that's my face down the drain?
No he doesn't! He has no idea of the ridiculous amount of money I spend to fake my beauty! He doesn't think I need make-up either, I'm his mommy, I'm beautiful to him, no matter what! Even in the midst of a panic attack and a few choice words.
"Get in the corner!!! You're in a time out! I can't ever have nice things!"
Remember, I was in the middle of making breakfast? Yeah. I burnt the scrambled eggs. Horribly. I still served them, drenched them in ketchup and told the kids to eat around it. That if they didn't like it, they didn't have to eat them. They didn't eat them. I don't blame them.
My husband took the kids to school as I cried with my face buried in my pillow.
I cried over the burnt eggs, I cried over my spilt make-up, I cried over crying over these petty things! I cried mostly over how I reacted, how I got angry and how I yelled and punished my son, for being a curious, sometimes unmanageable and crazy, 5 year old boy. I shouldn't have left my make-up out. He shouldn't have touched my things. It's a learning situation for both of us.
Although he apologized for his wrong doing before he left for school, and I apologized for going all manic mom on him, we embraced in a huge heart wrenching hug and he skipped off.
That's what made me sad. There he is, this light hearted, adorable, sweet, kind and crazy little boy. LITTLE BOY. Little boy. He's just a little boy.
I resented myself.
I'm overly hormonal, hungry, just woke up crabby and I'm putting the weight of the world on his shoulders over something so materialistic as make-up??
Wow, I'm a horrible mom.
Well an hour later I get my 2nd chance. The baby was napping with my husband and the school called, Jake has a bellyache, come get him. So I did.
He had to poop. Maybe I scared the shit out of him? Maybe he was scared that I wouldn't pick him up from school because he thought I was so furious with him, so he wanted to make sure, that the office made sure, that I would really come to get him. Whatever the reason. He was fine when we got home. After a potty break, all was well.
The baby was still asleep when we got home so we went on a little walk together and walked our neighbors dogs. We came home and watched some Funniest Home Video Clips on my phone, laughing uncontrollably! His giggles are amazing and innocent. His love is in his eyes.
I can't believe I was so mad at this amazing little person over something petty. When I asked him why he did that, he's said, "Because mom you don't even need that make-up! Your face is perfect how it is." Now, ok you're right son. Lol..
But it still doesn't make it ok to touch my things and make that decision. You're 5.
Thank you though.
We get the baby up from his nap and we have to go pick up big sister from school now. Because I have all the time and Gas in the world to go back and forth to the school a billion times. Right? Right.
So we pick up sister and she's rambling on about her day and asking how her brother was because through the school grapevine, she heard he went home sick. Awe, she cares, she really cares!
The chatter stops and the radio goes up. I'm driving and singing and glancing in my rear view mirror at my kids and their little faces. I decide, spontaneous Park trip! Let's go play in the water!
When we drive passed the turn home, the kids question me, "Where are we going mom? I hardly leave the house. With 3 kids and a ridiculous amount of anxiety, it's rough. So they notice things like missing the turn home. How terrible is that? :(
Another strike against me.
I told them, let's go play in the water at the splash pad! Oh how excited they were. They were out of the car and and in the water before I could unbuckle myself and the baby.
We spent a couple hours in the sun and water, maybe I needed that vitamin D, to cheer me up. The kids played their hearts out. My mother joined us for some nice company. It was wonderful and I needed to be out of the house. To feel human, to feel productive, to feel normal. My kids did too, I'm sure.
We came home and I made sandwiches all around for lunch! Seriously, a sandwich assembly line! Bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, mayo, mayo, mayo, mayo, cheese, cheese, turkey, etc... Lol this must be how restaurant cooks feel when everyone orders the same dish! Set up the assembly line and crank these babies out!
After lunch we were all a bit sun drained and needed quiet time. The baby went down for his afternoon nap. Jake took the spot next to me on the big, comfy couch. Madison was in her room playing on her iPad. Ahhhh... A little split second of peace and quiet in the middle of the storm, I mean day. It's always nice and welcome.
Pizza for dinner, because I don't want to cook today, it's too hot. And we already had sandwiches for lunch, I mean we could have had cereal? Pizza it is. After dinner, the kids were whisked off by their uncle for Vacation Bible School at the Church. Another fun filled 3 hours for them to enjoy crafts and friends and learn about the reason for existence.
Another quiet block of time for me? WRONG. Jason, my baby/toddler, 15month old, has a terrible case of Seperation Anxiety mixed with, I'm old enough to know what I want, mixed with I'm too young to be able to verbalize anything, topped with a bit of, so I'm pissed and I'm going to scream and cry and huff and puff. I walk into the kitchen, meltdown. I need to go potty, meltdown. I don't hold him, meltdown. I do hold him meltdown. I won't put him down, meltdown. Ahhhhhhh!!!!!
Again the hair pulling or head shaving sounds good again at this point. I'm texting with my bestie explaining to her I'm ready to lose my shit. Why she asks and I send her a video of a screaming baby. I assess the situation with her and that is where I realize the problem. The old enough, too young, awkward baby stage. Poor guy. It's not his fault. It's life. I'm working on teaching him the sign to "eat" when he is hungry and he also is learning to say "num num" I told him gosh, use your words next time! I can't handle that crying screaming stuff. Makes mommy want to cry and scream!
We shared a salad and a sub from the pizzeria and we talked. I think we reached an agreement. Lol.
Bath time was fun, it always is, splashing and bubbles! Oh joy!
The baby is in bed now! I'm going to run out back & put my feet up and enjoy a smoke! I dropped my water bottle when I shut the door behind me, it rolled off. I chased it and when I bent down to get it, my phone went flying out of my bra, which is a horrible place to keep anything, but that's where I had it, my bra.
When my phone hit the ground, I was reminded that today was just one of those days. Little things go wrong, but as long as you keep attempting to right them, you're going to be ok. I sit down and start typing out my emotional vomit of the day into my Blog App. Which brings me to where I am now.
The kids are home from church, snuggling into bed, awaiting me to tuck them in. The husband is awake, getting ready for work. He works nights. We are thankful, but gosh we miss him daily.
I've spilled and filled this entry as much as I can, being as though I have caught up with the present moment...
Not everyday is perfect. Shit happens. Especially if you have kids! Shit happens, puke happens, pee happens, curiosity and spilled make-up happens, but today is already over, and it doesn't happen again. My kids will wake up a little bit older tomorrow and things will happen a little bit differently. I can never get this day back. I need to stop and think and count to 10. I need to prioritize better, my relationship and moments of time with my kids, mean more than that stupid billion dollar make-up.
Crying and screaming and certain stages will be over before I know it! I need to soak it all up, pray for patience, give it to God & not run, hide and cry into a pillow!
This too shall pass...
-<3*k-
